You Can't Get Over It When You're Still Pinned Under It
I knew everyone had a price, but I didn't expect yours to be so low
Last month, I wrote about cancel culture and how our current environment has empowered people to stop pretending like they ever gave a shit about equity and inclusivity. It’s not cool anymore. And to be deemed not cool anymore in an industry known for chasing trends to try to win market share means that calls for accountability will be relegated to the same graveyard where Brut IPAs, beer blogs, and growlers have been laid to rest.
In for 2025: Being public and proud of your unbridled dismissiveness for vulnerable populations
Out for 2025: Accountability and justice
It’s not uncommon for someone to reach out to me about a problematic person or company in the industry to ask whether I know if they have made positive changes. It’s also not uncommon for me to reach out to people to ask the same. Did that association ever apologize to you personally? Did that brewery hire that guy knowing of his well-documented violence against women? Did that person really leave their position or did they just lay low for a while only to quietly return later?1
I appreciate those inquiries. I really do. When I’m asked, I tell the person what I know that is sharable, if the information I have is recent, and who else they may want to ask for an update. Those are good inquiries that show me someone is being deliberate about how and where they spend their money, where they seek employment, and who they choose to support or fraternize with.
“Good” here is relative, of course - I think these are good inquiries. One person’s good inquiry is another person’s cancel culture cry sometimes. Another “Beer is supposed to be fun” apologist who does not want to be burdened with thinking critically or - horror of horrors! - being uncomfortable.
What I’m seeing more of, though, is people who demonstrate by their actions if not their outright words that they would prefer that we all just move on. Just get over it. Why are you still talking about something that happened five years ago? How long do we need to punish this poor man who only committed a few assaults or racisms or only made his own employees uncomfortable? Those employees aren’t even there anymore!
How long am I supposed to pretend that I don’t still buy beer from breweries known to have abusive and dangerous practices towards their employees and patrons? Ugh, can’t we all just agree that yeah, yeah, yeah, sexism is bad and racism is bad but also that brewery, that guy, makes beer that I really like and want to keep purchasing? That guy “seems like a good guy,” even though I have never met him, much less worked for him.
What is the motivation behind expecting people to move on? Are they concerned with making amends with the victims? Or are they impatiently wanting the victims to move on and for the public to forget the victims ever existed?
Are they truly concerned about the victims or are they wanting to avoid the cognitive dissonance of knowing they’re supporting problematic men and companies?
Are they wanting you to tell them that it’s okay for them to post those Hill Farmstead pictures or that selfie of them with an industry star who also has a long past of complicity in abuse?
When they don’t get moral permission from victims, do they get frustrated and say that #MeToo and “cancel culture” have gone too far? Do they ask how long this poor man is expected to be punished for something that they don’t think was that bad? It seems to them that this was all a misunderstanding and that she’s just bitter and doing it for attention.
Let’s say the quiet part out loud and complete the thought that victims should be “over it” by now or have moved on because you want moral absolution. What are you really asking for? What burden does your implicit or explicit request place on victims?
When a victim feels they have not been made whole by the perpetrator and the systems that allow the behavior to continue, demanding they move on and forgive is demanding that they meet you where you are - that you think what happened to them wasn’t that bad, that the wrong done does not matter, that they don’t matter.
Similar to the kinds of people who cry cancel culture when held accountable for their actions, the only people who really seem to be lectured to about the virtues of forgiveness are women and other marginalized groups. Non-forgiveness and expressions of anger and hurt make it much harder for the wider community to pretend everything is fiiiinnnee, we all posted about how we were listening and learning and we all purchased ally merch that one time when it was popular to do so. What more do you want?
When we now remind people that hey, that wrong was never addressed, we’re often met with DARVO behaviors. Suddenly the victim is the perpetrator of the harm because she dares to ask that her peers please acknowledge what happened to her.
I know plenty of “nice guys,” “good guys,” “the guys who would NEVER do that and neither would their friends,”2 who express their condolences that something bad happened to a person they know but never want to hear the details or get too deep. Plausible deniability and all. Sometimes the perpetrator’s wrongdoing is woven into their lore and, rather than correcting or even acknowledging their behavior, his victims are fridged as part of his redemption story.
When we experience the cognitive dissonance of knowing a person or company is problematic and has caused someone(s) harm but we really like their beer or he’s “such a nice guy,” most of the time we seem to land on expecting or even morally blackmailing the victim(s) to forgive and move on. If we can get them to give us permission to support problematic behavior - even if we coerce it out of them - then we can get back to not having to complicate our idol worship and perceived proximity to power. We don’t have to be burdened because someone had the gall to make us inconveniently aware of misconduct.
Apologies are not transactional, and admitting to misconduct does not absolve anyone of committing it. Apologies don’t count from a vague social media post or a press release. Apologies only count when they are in person, to the person, with no passive voice and no conditions.
Also, no one else has the prerogative to forgive on the victim’s behalf. I am not going to debate with anyone “how bad” what they did to their victims was. There is no grey area when it comes to inequitable treatment - there is a bright line between what is equitable and what is inequitable. Everything that falls below the line of inequitable treatment is inequitable treatment. Full stop. Period.
I really don’t give a shit if you think my or anyone else’s lived experience wasn’t “that bad,” nor do I care that you have forgiven them because forgiveness is not yours to give in the first place.
Rather than expecting the victim to resolve our cognitive dissonance by minimizing the harm done to them, what if we instead tried to resolve our cognitive dissonance by holding the perpetrator accountable? Rather than pushing the victim to forgive, why not push the perpetrator to change his behavior?
When presented with the choice of righteously browbeating a victim into mollifying our moral dilemmas or holding a man accountable for the harm he has caused, it shouldn’t be that hard to understand what the best path forward is. And we do know what the better choice is, but it makes us uncomfy for a short time, so we take the easy route and rely on old faithful patriarchy instead.
Justice doesn’t look like demanding the perpetrator be eternally flagellated in the proverbial town square. It doesn’t look like demanding that everyone boycott a business for all of time. One hundred percent ethical consumption is impossible under capitalism.
I can accept that the men in my story are never going to get fired or held actually accountable for cultivating a culture of white supremacy and patriarchy that not only empowers but rewards abusers for their wrongdoings. It’s much, much, much harder to see people who proclaim to care about me, cozy up to said men and ask for selfies with them rather than asking why they continue to stay silent in the face of inequitable and harmful behavior.
Many people - myself included - say that the biggest betrayal is not the wrongdoing. The biggest betrayal is in seeing people who call themselves allies and friends not acknowledging that they are supporting someone they know has harmed you.
When asked what justice looks like for them, many victims don’t say apologies or even punishment. Most say that acknowledgment is what they want the most. Sure, acknowledgment from the perpetrator. More than that, though, most say that acknowledgment from others is more important. Not acknowledgment in the form of blanket social media posts, acknowledgment in the form of a personal interaction.
Thinking that you’d get nothing else done if you spent all your time acknowledging that you support men you know have harmed women, BIPOC, and others?
Wow, imagine if instead, you were spending your time being retraumatized or trying to figure out how to pay for therapy. Or seeing people you thought were on your side literally embracing those responsible for your pain and trauma. Or still dealing with the same fucking shit because we are and it never really stopped.
I’m not being hyperbolic here. Almost four years later, I still have several people who were responsible for my experiences blocked on social media - and their wives and other family members whom they asked to look at my social media after realizing I blocked them. I have action plans currently in place with my husband and friends on what to do if we are somewhere and see one of those people. The night before a local industry event last year, I got less than three hours of sleep because I was so anxious that one of them would be at the meeting. I walked into the event shaking, headed straight to the front of the room so I couldn’t see who else may show up, and spent the entire time staring straight ahead at the speakers, afraid to look around.
As I mentioned above, when people reach out to me about a particular company or person and whether actual changes have been made, I’ll tell them the information I have and then that information is theirs to do what they want with.
When I’m evaluating whether actual changes have been made - and there are a few examples of companies and people making positive changes and doing the work of helping deliver justice to their victims - here are a few questions I ask:
Has the victim’s personal truth been acknowledged?
Has the harm they have suffered been acknowledged?
Was there a full apology, with remorse and without excuses?
Was the apology heartfelt and informed by reflection and education?
What work has the perpetrator done to ensure they don’t repeat the harmful behavior?
What acknowledgment and work have the people who enabled the misconduct done?
Were the apologies directed to the victims or was the apology vague and for social media purposes?
Are they asking for forgiveness or demanding that forgiveness be given?
The bottom line is that I will not absolve you from continuing to support people in the industry who you know are problematic. No one else will either, so don’t ask. You can make your own choices and you can deal with the consequences.
And finally…
Before we leave each other, here are a few more things I am up to.
Escaping to Belgium for a week. I’ll be spending the next week consuming beer, frites, chocolate, and waffles.
Preparing for my CBC presentation with thee Beery Godmother, LaTreace Harris. If you’ll be at CBC, please come to our presentation on Tuesday, April 29, at 2:45 p.m.
Reading Men Who Hate Women: From Incels to Pickup Artists: The Truth About Extreme Misogyny and How It Affects Us All by Laura Bates. Hint: it’s white supremacy and patriarchy! It always is and it affects guys, too. Sadly, some of the “extreme” misogyny is already considered acceptable ways for men to act. See footnote 2.
Real-life situations and the answers are no, yes, and yes.
Yes, they would. You probably are friends with men like that. Most sexual assaults happen by men known to the victims. I’m not saying everyone is rotten and just waiting for their chance to assault someone, but I am saying a far greater number of people than we’re comfortable admitting would if the opportunity arose. Again, maybe #notallmen but #everywomanyouknow. So if every woman you know has been harassed, assaulted, or abused, then logic follows that you do, in fact, know men who have and will.